The purpose of this assignment is to show how learning about counselling theory and applying it to your own life can promote and increase self-awareness, by deepening the understanding of your own personality, history and relationships. This will be a very personal journey through my counselling studies so far, and hopefully a good reflection of what I have learned about myself.
I try to live my life as congruently as possible, as for me, the concept of congruence, (from Person-centred Counselling) and being true to oneself was a massive revelation. For a long time, I presented myself as I thought others would want to see me – which is terrifying to me now because how would I know what they wanted me to be? I never asked them. I tried to be what I thought they wanted, rather than being myself, but then it caused dissonance when I was rejected by them. I thought that if I could be agreeable, then everyone would like me and my life would be amazing. But it turned out to be the complete opposite. I think people saw through me, and my act, unconsciously, because I was acting unconsciously to a degree.
When I had a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with iTalk, it helped me realise that I had developed a skewed core belief when I was younger – that I would be removed from the group if I behaved in a way that upset the rest of the group – and this faulty thinking caused me to wear that mask. I consciously try my best every day to not just go along with what others think and say just for group approval. Sometimes I succeed in this, but sometimes I do not. I don’t beat myself up about it, because at the end of the day, sometimes it honestly is easier to just say “yeah, you’re probably right” and not get dragged into a pointless argument that won’t really achieve anything. I feel that this is being congruent with me not wanting to get into silly arguments all the time, rather than me just trying to be the opposite of who I used to be.
I definitely feel that my Ego gives in too easily! The result is either that my Id gets what it wants, or my Superego shuts it down completely. There is often no compromise, just black or white thinking; one winner, one loser. This is called Splitting, or thinking in extremes to avoid the pain of reality. Studying Psychodynamic Counselling has definitely made me realise I need to work on balancing those two parts of my personality, and to develop and strengthen my Ego so it can better moderate my impulses and authority.
Studying theory has definitely made me fully aware of how the past impacts on the present, and also the future. I mentioned core beliefs in relation to how they formed aspects of my personality earlier, and they are prevalent again, but this time I’m thinking about how they were formed in the first place. The belief that is foremost in my mind is the one in which I would be removed from the group if I behaved in a way that upset the rest of the group. My Dad leaving our family unit when I was young definitely contributed to the formation of this belief – as at the time I was under the impression that he was forced out of the group rather than him leaving of his own accord.
For a long time I would seek acceptance from everyone in a group so as to not be rejected, and I’d do this by being far too agreeable, even to my own detriment. I often ended up doing things I did not really want to do just because I went along with something that someone said! This really is a textbook case of me not having or reinforcing any personal boundaries.
This core belief could also be construed as an external locus of evaluation, a concept from Person-centred Counselling. I would always put others above myself, and look to them for approval before doing anything drastic. I had day-to-day autonomy, but when it came to larger things, I would defer to others. I had tried to break out of this system before, like going to college to do an IT course, but I always self-sabotaged. I would rationalise not escaping by thinking that even if I tried hard, I would fail. I would always be relieved that it fell through to be honest; it really was as if there were two forces pulling me in opposite directions – one telling me that I deserved more, the other telling me to stay in my comfort zone. This is a common issue that clients bring to counselling, but I am unsure of which modality I can attribute it to. It could be rationalisation, maybe? I want to change, but change can be scary and painful, and I’m not sure if the pain of changing will be better or worse than the pain of staying, so I’m using that uncertainty to rationalise not changing and staying put.
Another example of this would be that I was often told I was good at drawing when I was younger, but I never believed anyone that said it. I thought they were lying. Would this be denial? Anyway, I didn’t pick up a pencil for ten years or so, but out of the blue one day, I had an urge to draw. I enjoyed it, felt like I was improving and I was definitely enjoying it – I even bought a graphics tablet for my computer so I could do some digital art. I drew some pictures, got them printed onto canvases and gave them as gifts to people. My brother, friends, work colleagues, I even invented some cartoon characters and drew them up for my son’s nursery. I was looking to escape again, this time using my art as a springboard. But my wife told me that I shouldn’t, as although my work was good, we couldn’t afford me to do that because of the mortgage, even though I intended to carry on at my day-job and do this I my spare time. Since then I’ve not touched any drawing materials, apart from doing doodles with my son, and when we did some creative projects on the Level 2 course. I see now that giving up was a result of having an external locus of evaluation. She said I wasn’t good enough, and I believed her, so I stopped.
While it’s not one that we’ve covered this year on the course, Transactional Analysis was massively enlightening when we learned about Ego-states and the Drama Triangle during the level 2 course. Applying it to a lot of my past relationships has made me realise how often I presented as the Child Ego-state, even when I clearly should have been the Adult. I’ve also consciously tried to remove myself from any Drama Triangle I find myself in, as when I applied it to a few relationships I’ve had in the past that fit the criteria, I saw that I always tended to end up as the victim. I remove myself by taking responsibility for my own actions, and by not taking power from anyone else by rescuing them. I don’t persecute others, and I definitely do not allow myself to become a victim. The game falls apart when one player decides not to play, and things are then resolved in Adult Ego-states.
Psychodynamic Counselling really helped me learn about my relationships. I mentioned earlier that the trauma of my Dad leaving was the origin point for most of my developmental problems, which I feel were then exacerbated by not having a strong masculine role model growing up, and a skewed idea of the female archetype as well – my Mum worked 60 hour weeks to keep food on our table and a roof over our heads, and I felt that from a very young age I had to be more grown up and responsible than I was able to be. I wasn’t ready, and that would explain my arrested development somewhat, as well as my unconscious desire to remain in childhood until way into middle-age. I’m not sure which psycho-sexual stage that I was stuck at, but it would definitely be worth looking into in my own therapy.
My self-awareness and self-esteem has grown exponentially since starting the Level 2 course a couple of years ago. Often, even just becoming aware of how you are as a person, how your past has shaped you and how you relate to others is enough to cause change. But when coupled with the theories – that’s when I’ve found real, dynamic change takes place, as the theories provide extra depth on why and how things developed the way they did. In terms of self-image, Person-centred theory has made me realise I am the authority on myself, and that I have permission to present as the person that I actually am, not who I think others think I should be, or would prefer me to be. My personality does not have to live up to their expectations of who I am. And while I’m not where I would like to be yet, I am making positive strides towards that goal every day. And even then, it’s an ongoing journey; there is no real final goal, just a set of principles that I want to live my life by.
In terms of self-awareness, it has made me more durable, I feel. I used to have real problems when people were critical of me, I would take it to heart, and be very hurt. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has helped me realise that it is often those people that have the problem, not me, that I’m just the target. In some cases it’s about taking responsibility. If someone says something horrible that is true about me, and I know it’s true, then it doesn’t offend me. Why would it? It’s a true thing they’ve said. The real problem is why they have chosen to bring it up in the first place. On the other hand, if someone says something horrible that is not true, then really, I know it’s not true, so it doesn’t offend me. Why would it? They’ve said something about me that I know is not true.
With regards to changes in my life as a result of applying theories to myself, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has also made me realise that while I cannot change other people, I can absolutely change myself, and my attitude towards other people. Some theories jumped out at me and caused some real penny-drop moments, where I had a sudden realisation in class or studying at home, while I struggled to apply others to any aspect of my life – but then that is the beauty of counselling theory. While not every idea or concept resonates with every facet of every individual person’s personality, the ones that do hit the mark are often explosive and highly revelatory. I could see this in some lessons some weeks, when discussing a theory and all of a sudden it makes something click in one of my classmates minds and they have a shocked look upon their face.
One way that studying theories has definitely changed my behaviour is that I have become more wary about being overly critical towards my son, especially now that I have some knowledge of ego defences, and more specifically how and when they are formed. I’ve come to the realisation that he is a five year old boy and he is still forming his personality and learning about how to live in this world, so I’ve made conscious efforts to promote his positive wellbeing by giving him positive strokes, which is something I picked up on in my personal interest towards Transactional Analysis. I’ve also been teaching him that not all his thoughts are factual – they could just be random thoughts or ideas that are fictional, that they have no bearing on reality, and that it is impossible for his brain to 100% know for sure what someone else is thinking, or what their motives are for doing something. The notion that thoughts are not necessarily facts, coupled with teaching him other basics of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, in particular that thoughts lead to emotions, which lead to bodily sensations, and so on, means that he will be better equipped to deal with any problems in his life, as it unfolds before him. I am ever hopeful that he has a good start in life, and does not develop any psychological problems like I did, and if he does, then I hope they are not as deep rooted as mine, and that he unpicks them a lot earlier than I did at age 40. Hopefully he takes after his mother in that respect, she is pretty bulletproof, psychologically. It just goes to show how important a stable environment is when growing up. It’s important not to feel abandoned. It’s important to know and feel that you are loved. Just from comparing my upbringing to that of my wife’s, it is clear to me that these things make a massive difference.
During the writing of this assignment I used the CPCAB Model of Helping Work and Counselling Practise as a navigational guide – it works very well as a framework that aids in understanding the various theories when they are applied to it.
