I am training to become a counsellor because I want to help people.
Throughout my life I have struggled with a lot of various types of mental health problems, such as depression, addiction and severe anxiety. I was borderline narcissistic and I suffered from delusions of grandeur, as well as Golden-Child syndrome. I thought I deserved more, but I expected it all to fall into my lap. Yet paradoxically, I was also plagued with self-esteem and confidence issues. I didn’t think I could change, I accepted these things as immutable parts of my personality. I never thought I could do something more with my life and I resigned myself to working in a supermarket for the rest of my life on minimum wage. I would escape into videogames; I was addicted to, and obsessed with them because in those virtual simulated worlds I was successful and I could escape from myself and be whoever I wanted to be. The life I was living was not at all healthy, nor was it conducive to being a father. Shortly after our son was born I finally recognised something was wrong with me, but I couldn’t put my finger on what. The discomfort of not feeling like I’d ever amount to anything was never greater than the comfort of just coasting along and never really being challenged in my life.
But eventually it all came to a head. The emotional pain of living and feeling like a burden on everyone I loved was too great. I decided that I was going to kill myself. I didn’t go through with it, obviously. I had sent my wife a message telling her what I was going to do, but even though she knew I was very upset, she went to bed. She didn’t think I was serious about killing myself. Even though I announced it on Facebook, no-one came to save me.
And it was the realisation that no-one was going to save me that ultimately gave me strength.
No-one was coming to save me!
I had to save myself.
So I made a vow to be the best version of myself I could be. I started reading, voraciously, to increase my knowledge of psychology and philosophy, two areas that I’d always been interested in but was put off of learning about by a career advisor in school. I undertook a free course of CBT with the local mental health service iTalk, which challenged some long-standing core beliefs that were holding me back. I started going to the gym and lost a lot of weight, but this is something that I am still struggling with today – a nagging shoulder injury has put me on the shelf for over a year now. I read self-help books about anxiety and self-esteem, performing the exercises within to better myself and learn just how much I was truly capable of. I listened to interesting, enlightening and informative audiobooks and podcasts on my commute to work instead of aggressive music. I took up mediation and started to practise mindfulness, which massively helped to clear my mental state.
In short, I took my life by the scruff of the neck and gave it a good shake.
While on this journey of self-discovery, I thought about what I could realistically do with my life, and upon putting two and two together, training to become a counsellor was the answer. You see, people often told me that I was easy to talk to because I have a very relaxed and friendly way of being, and people seemed to gravitate towards me and tell me their problems. While I was always eager to listen to people’s stories and get to know them better, I was always worried that I would say the wrong thing and make it worse. So, I looked into counselling because I wanted to know what to say when these people came to me with their problems – and as it turns out, the best thing to say is sometimes nothing at all! When I was going through this mid-life crisis, I had a limited idea of what help was available to me, but I didn’t really feel like I had anywhere to turn. So in terms of specific groups of people and specialist areas, I would like to help middle-aged men navigate their mid-lives. I’d like to raise awareness of male suicide during this period of their lives, and also to let men know that if they need a guiding light through the long dark night of their soul, I will be the torch. I want them to know that help is out there. I would also like to work with young people that are around college/university age, maybe not even strictly in a counselling role, but as a mentor to help them make sense of the world unfolding in front of them. At first though, I would just like to get as much counselling experience as possible. Once I have some more experience and am a little more confident, I would like to rent out a hall or room for one night a week and run a support group for vulnerable men to just get together and be honest about themselves and the world around them.
In terms of theoretical approaches, Carl Rogers’ Person-centred approach appeals most to me at this point, and I feel that several aspects of this approach are mirrored in my way of being. I like talking to people and getting to know them, more so than I like talking about myself if I’m honest. I like listening to their stories and getting to know them at a deep level. I find I naturally have a great degree of unconditional positive regard as I know that sometimes in life, people make bad choices. They do what they have to do in the moment. I understand that, because I’ve been there, I’ve done some questionable things. I don’t judge people because of those choices. As an example, a colleague of mine recently got sacked because she stole money from the till – I saw her a few weeks later and didn’t pry into the details of “why” she did it, I just spoke to her as a friend, asked how things were, and if she ever needed to chat then I was there for her. I know she’s not a bad person, just a person that made a bad decision. I miss her presence at work, and while I absolutely do not condone what she did – stealing is not morally right and it is illegal – but she is still the person I developed a friendship with, and I wasn’t going ignore her or throw away our friendship because of her mistake. Although saying that, if she had killed someone I may not have been so friendly.
I must admit that Psychodynamic theory and things like Carl Jung’s dream theory also piques my interest. I am fascinated with the unconscious mind, and I like to interpret my own dreams and those of other people, but it takes a serious amount of time to become even slightly proficient in this field. I think I will study this in my spare time, or as a side project!
Mindfulness and meditation are important parts of my life nowadays, and they share similarities with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, in that they both deal with thought patterns. I would like to learn more about CBT and incorporate some of those ideas into my holistic approach. Art therapy is also of interest to me, as I consider myself quite an artistic person. I enjoy drawing, and I am always eager to see other people’s drawings; I feel it is another form of empathy, another way of seeing how others see the world. I also love the idea that more abstract forms of art like Zentangles and Mandalas can reveal a lot about a person, and am eager to explore things like this further. I find non-talking therapies and play therapies very interesting, as they can help greatly with issues that clients may have problems with verbalising.
To take this a step further, I would also like to become a personal trainer, as I believe that physical health is inextricably linked to mental health. Exercising has been proven to release endorphins and dopamine; chemicals in the brain that make you feel good. I feel that this, coupled with Person-centred therapy to address any underlying issues and mindfulness-based CBT to iron out any faulty cognitive distortions would be a holistic approach to healing the entire person, rather than just healing one single aspect. In combining all these different techniques though, maybe classing it as “coaching” would be more appropriate. The more aspects from other disciplines that are introduced, the further my client work would get from being able to be properly regulated by any one professional body, not to mention how difficult it would be to find a suitable supervisor.
Whatever words I end up using to define my profession, I would like to carry on learning for the rest of my life now, I do not ever want to go back to the point where I was just floating along, doing the bare minimum to keep myself alive from payday to payday. I’m also not planning on retiring when I get to the official retirement age – I figure that I’ve already had my years of lazing around, so I’ll do my retirement in reverse. I’m going to spend as much of my time as possible helping people, and then maybe one day I’ll pass on my knowledge to others. I don’t think counselling is “easy” by any stretch of the imagination, but it is not a physical job, and people often retire because of physical demands. Although saying that, it is still a good idea to be wary of burnout. For self-care I go to the gym twice a week, doing a mix of weights and yoga. I’m looking forward to getting there more often once I have passed my driving test and own a car. The world becomes my oyster then, as I would like to do things that are currently out of my reach, like indoor wall climbing and boxing. I like walking in nature, and would love to grow vegetables one day – I feel like that would be very rewarding. Working towards being a personal trainer will also keep me active.
I’m studying the CPCAB Level 3 Certificate in Counselling Studies course at the moment, and it seems that the more I learn, the more it all fits into place. I enjoy learning the theory behind the skills, and then writing about them from my own perspective, with my own understanding. I still struggle to put those theories into action in roleplays sometimes, but it’s an aspect of the counselling training that I know I need to work on.
I would love a private practise of my own one day, and I have an idealised fantasy in my head about it, but I know that it is a long way off yet. The building itself would be old, with period features and a lot of character. It would be in a centralised location, somewhere near a train station, maybe five or so minutes’ walk away. I say near a train station, so people can easily get to my location from further afield. Ideally I would like it near an open green space, which would hopefully generate a serene calmness in the neighbourhood. If not near a field, then maybe near a body of water – I would love the building to be looking out onto the Solent. I can envision a client looking out the window, at the waves, and thinking deeply about themselves and their place in the universe.
But as I said, that’s a long way off yet; I want to gain as much experience as possible, from as wide a range of clients and theoretical approaches as possible.
And I’m going to carry on learning.
And never retire.
