Procrastination is a tricky beast. To anyone watching it may look like I don’t care about anything, and I’m being lazy. But in reality, I’m crippled by indecision. I don’t know what to do next. There are so many things I want to do, things I want to start, things I want to finish, things I want to carry on with, that I don’t know which to do next.
My brain feels like an internet browser that has 50 tabs open at once.
Some of the tabs are to remind me of things, like upcoming birthdays or anniversaries. Some tabs are tasks, things I need to do. Some require immediate input, some require me to complete a task in another tab first. Some tabs are just things I would like to do. Those tabs have been open the longest, because I’ve been wanting to do them for a long time, but I feel like I have to close all my other tabs first – so I feel a bit guilty when I do those. All these things are jockeying for position at the forefront of my mind, all jostling for my attention.
When I do get around to attempting to close a tab, I visualise starting the task, and also any problems that may arise, like the things I may need to move out of the way to get to what I need, then I might weigh up another task in a similar manner, to decide which is easier to start. And often, if I do start something then another task gnaws softly at the side of my consciousness, demanding that it have priority, and that I should be completing it instead.
Once I get going and actually start the task, I’m fine. I enjoy it even. It feels good to be productive. I’ve found that a useful way to feel like I’ve achieved something is to make a note of it. Record the times I have a little victory. Indeed, keeping my old action plans and to-do lists have helped me realise how far I’ve come. But there are still 50 tabs open. I need to close some.
Next year, after I’ve paid off Christmas and can afford to, I’m hoping to get a private diagnosis for ADHD. I’ve been holding off mentioning it until I had written a big post about this aspect of self discovery, how I’d found this destination, and all the stops along the way. Lewis has ADHD, and Jane had recognised some similar behaviours in Jake, so I researched it, watched the video posted below, and was almost in tears at how accurately this man that I had never met before described my day to day life.
I’ve always felt something was “wrong” with me, but I could never nail it down as something specific. I thought it was depression, then later depression caused by an anxiety disorder, or was it autism, Asperger’s syndrome?
Underlying, undiagnosed ADHD explains a lot.
Perspective is important, as is self-awareness, and just an inkling of a diagnosis has answered so many questions for me and helped a lot. For example, where there was a lot of negativity around starting tasks, I have come to recognise that this is a common symptom of people with ADHD, so once I recognise this negativity I can dismiss it. It’s almost like there are two voices in my head, one telling me to do the task, another doing everything in its power to convince me not to. Reminds me of the old cartoons, of people having an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. Or would it be more accurate to describe it as my id and ego competing?
Anyway.
My point is – knowing what it is gives me a lot of power when it comes to combating those negative thoughts. I can silence the devil telling me not to do the task. My superego can overrule my id. I can dismiss the negative thoughts knowing full well that I will feel better in the long-run having completed the task.
