This Coronavirus thing has been a bit shit, eh? I’m due to go back to work next week, and I have mixed emotions about it. On the one hand, I hate my current job, and these twelve weeks have been eye-opening to exactly how much I do hate it. I’m anxious to go back because of the health risks as well. I mean, being told that if you go outside that you might die is a bit of an extreme thing to be told, isn’t it? It has taken a toll on me for sure. It took me a while to realise it though – at first I was enjoying lockdown, getting on with productive stuff, but once I had finished all my college work I lost my way. Spent too much time playing Minecraft, of all things. I was directionless. Going by Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (pictured below), I felt that working on self-actualisation and boosting my self-esteem was pointless, as my base needs of personal safety were not being met. I try not to let the media control my thoughts and emotions, but the coronavirus thing is so pervasive at the moment there is literally no other news, so it’s very hard to get away from it, short of a total blackout of the outside world.

On the other hand, I am looking forward to getting out there and breaking free from this slump. Getting back out into the world will help. If I can get back out there, see that the world is still largely safe, then I can get my mojo back. It’s not that I don’t believe coronavirus isn’t deadly, but there comes a point when when you just have to get on with it. They say masks are not effective at stopping the spread. They say it can be spread by people that show no outward symptoms of the disease themselves. Just going by those two factors themselves, there’s not a lot you can do to prevent being infected. Just maintain some personal discipline: wash your hands often, and keep your distance. From what I’ve seen it’s *mostly* harmless except in extreme circumstances. There are demographics that are harder hit than others; And while I do fall into a couple of those categories, I just can’t sit around for the rest of my life waiting for it to dissipate.

Been having strange thoughts as well. I find it hard to talk about these things nowadays. Maybe “hard” is not the right word, but given their fleeting nature, I find it a little bit silly to commit them to writing, to carve them in stone. It’s not that I don’t want to show weakness, or to be a trainee counsellor that has “mental health problems”, but I think at the end of the day, these things are temporary. If CBT has taught me anything, it’s that these feelings and thoughts coming up are temporary, and might not even be subjectively accurate. Thoughts, after all, can be totally off-the-wall random and have no bearing at all on reality. I understand they are temporary, and that my feelings can change, and recording them does not mean I will always feel them, or that the words will always apply. It may become easier for me to write if I recognise that it is a record of how I felt in this era, not how I will always feel. The record of this time does not define the entire span of time I spent as a person.

The key is: Keeping records is useful. How can you measure the present if you have no point of reference in the past?

Still, lockdown’s not been a total waste of time. I’ve rehabbed my shoulder, organised the digital music on my PC, saved a ton of money, and my house in Minecraft is fucking amazing now.

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