Last week went a bit quicker than the first week of isolation – but I put that down to not being on high alert in terms of anxiety the whole week. It’s reared it’s head again, but I’m slowly reeling it back in as things settle down. Looking back to the first week, I was neurotic. Overthinking. Fell to the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid. Did not feel good mentally at all. The second week went a bit smoother, and I was able to finally get back into the groove of college writing.
I’m putting myself in quarantine for the next ten weeks. I’m not in the best of positions in terms of my health, and it does feel a little hypocritical of me to have “Simply trying to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be” on the front page of this website. Rather than change it to avoid further feelings of shame and guilt – I will live up to it. For too long I’ve been putting things off, but this is a wake-up call. An admission that I am definitely not trying to be the best version of myself that I could possibly be. I’ve got sleep apnoea due to being obese and I’m borderline diabetic.
That’s an admission and a half. I’m a vulnerable person. It’s the wake-up call I have needed to make me realise that I’m in a precarious position.
Also, my anxiety coming back so strongly has made me realise how shaky I was mentally. I was in denial, I think, about how far along I was. How much “better” I was. It’s easy to say that you’ve conquered your anxiety, only for it to take over so completely during a crisis. I can see that clearly now.
So, with that said, I’ve had the time to actually have a workout this morning, and I feel great. Took the five-ten minutes in which I would usually quickly do a few shoulder rehab exercises, but got the dumbbells out as well as the resistance bands, and had a good half an hour of sweat. And now I’m writing. I’ve got time to do things. Time to get back in the groove. It helps that Jake is at school. I have so many little jobs that I can’t really do while he is around my ankles. But on the other hand, I’m not sure it’s the best thing to do really. Take into consideration that he’ll be mixing with kids who’s parents are working on the frontline of the virus… To be perfectly honest I’d rather he was here, safe with me, even if that meant I couldn’t write and get stuff done. I’ll make the most of it and focus on crossing as many items off the list while he is at school.