This week Sally did a presentation on the rising level of anxiety in kids. She explained that although the level still was quite low, it was more widespread and nearly all children she came into contact with displayed anxious traits. Like Gloria’s talk last week, it was very eye-opening with respects to the level of support there is nowadays for young children. I would have loved that level of help and support when I was younger, but it was a different time. We were pretty much just told to get on with our lives. Like Gloria, Sally also has a lot of practical experience with young individuals that could be classed as “clients”, and I think her mind-set in general would be suited to being a counsellor in the future.
Also this week we discussed the role that silence plays in the therapeutic relationship, and we did some roleplays based around it. When I have had therapy in the past, I noticed when the therapist has used silence as a tool. After I have said something, sometimes they would stay silent rather than asking me another question or reflecting something, as if to suggest they knew I had more to say. And I felt I had to fill that silence, so I expanded on my last statement. Whether she used silence to this end purposefully or whether she was just weighing up what to say next, I don’t know. But regardless, I felt I had to fill the silence.
Gloria and I took turns at being the counsellor and client, and when Gloria was the counsellor, I felt that pressure to fill the silence like I did in my real therapy. I felt like Gloria knew I had more to say about the statement I had just made.
When I was the counsellor, I listened to Gloria’s initial statement, and paraphrased it back to her, and asked how she would feel about discussing her problem with one of the people involved. After she had answered, I remained quiet, which was difficult, as I felt she was expecting me to ask another question. I remained quiet, and eventually she broke eye contact and she looked up, as if searching her brain for more things to say. It was a relief, and I exhaled. She then spoke more about how she would feel about talking to someone else. I reflected two key emotions, and again, remained quiet as she digested what I had reflected. She then came back with another statement and again I remained quiet. She provided another couple of examples of her problem as well as how she thought one of the other people involved saw it from their perspective.
In general I am quite happy in silence, either on my own, with one person or with a group. In some circumstances it could feel awkward, but for the most part I feel comfortable. There are obvious exceptions such as when someone has asked me a direct question; I feel I do need to answer them out of courtesy, as long as the question is not too personal or inappropriate. But even if the question was inappropriate, I would be breaking the silence to tell them I am not answering that question because it is inappropriate. I would not just ignore someone talking directly to me.
Using silence as a tool in counselling is different to ignoring someone, though.
A couple of my favourite quotes are related to the topic of silence, and upon learning we would be covering silence, they sprang into my mind. They both have similar meanings.
The first is “Speech is silver. Silence is golden”. Sometimes it is better to say nothing at all than to say too much and appear foolish. Discretion is the key. Knowing when to share knowledge is sometimes more important than having the knowledge in the first place.
The second is “One who knows does not speak. One who speaks does not know”. One that knows and understands the principles behind a particular issue acts and applies their understanding. Their actions speak for themselves and those around them recognise their abilities through their actions. On the other hand, one who “speaks”, one who discusses, brags, and pretends they are an expert, is more often than not a fraud with the need to convince people of their intelligence, expertise and abilities The contrary is often true. Basically let your actions speak. And don’t brag.
