This week we were considering fundamental differences in people and how they would affect a client/counsellor relationship. In the lesson, we were asked to complete the following statements then reflect on our completed statements (emphasis on my answers):
All Welsh people are friendly.
All Americans are obnoxious.
All Italians are slimy.
Single-parent people are deserving of an explanation.
Benefit cheats are dishonest.
Blonde women are not usually blonde.
Rich people are usually quite driven.
All ginger people are easily burnt in the sunshine.
Reflecting on my answers, I can see that I have made judgements due to my prejudices, and I have further reinforced several negative stereotypes about certain groups of people. I usually try to be as open minded as possible, and my initial answers were going to go along the lines of “All Welsh people are human, just like me.”, but that would not be in the spirit of the exercise. In that respect, I censored myself, but in reverse to how it asks on the worksheet. In my experience, Welsh people are outgoing and friendly. I have never had an in-depth conversation with an American, but from what I see on TV and in the media, “they” do seem obnoxious. But then, I am sure the majority of Americans aren’t obnoxious. One of the most prominent Italians I know always has his thick, dark hair slicked back, and is obsessed with chatting up women, so I can see where I get that one from.
I was unable to play along with the exercise in my completion of the Single-parent statement as I know there are just too many variables in them becoming single parents in the first place. Maybe their partner died? Maybe their partner left because they cheated, or wanted to be with someone else? Maybe their partner wasn’t ready to be a parent or didn’t want to be one? Maybe they were never in a relationship with the other parent; it was a one night stand? Maybe the child was a result of a rape? Maybe the parent left with the child cheated and the other partner left? There are simply too many possible reasons as to why a single person is left to bring up a child on their own; I couldn’t possibly make a negative blanket statement. I could probably make a funny statement like “Single-parent people are probably always incredibly tired”, or I could complete the statement in a positive way by saying something like “Single-parent people are deserving of respect as they have to work twice as hard”.
It is my belief that benefit cheats are dishonest, and not a lot will change my mind on that. If the statement had been “Benefit claimants are…”, then my answer would have been different. Someone who is cheating the system to get money they don’t deserve is dishonest. Someone who is claiming benefits is not automatically a cheat, or undeserving of their benefit money. I have had to claim Jobseekers Allowance in the past while I was between jobs, and I don’t feel like I was cheating the system. It is there to be used by people that genuinely need it, and as long as it does only go to those people, the system works.
I somewhat played along when I wrote that not all blonde women are necessarily blonde, as blonde hair does naturally change colour and get darker (or greyer) as the person gets older. Blonde hair is a sign of youth and I can understand why women (and some men) dye their hair. So, only the young ones are really blonde. Rich people are usually quite driven – they tend to not be the type of person who likes sitting around counting their money all day, they like to work, especially doing things they love, and getting paid for doing what they love is a nice by-product. The most popular answer in our group when it came to the “All ginger people are…” stereotype is that they have no soul. Mine is somewhat factual again, in that people with ginger hair are usually quite pale, and so are more vulnerable to the ultraviolet rays of the sun.
I didn’t belong to any of the groups listed, so I could not tell you how I felt about judging myself – but I have been judged based on a stereotype before. I am quite tall, quite burly, and at school I was seen as a rough type, even though I don’t particularly like fighting. I was picked on and goaded into fighting by other boys in my all-male school; they all just assumed that because I was big, I liked fighting. I did not. It left an impression on me that I have since healed through personal therapy. I believe that not all the words I wrote are true. Some are clearly sweeping generalisations, while some are personal opinions, but it would be foolish of me to believe everything I have written. There are several negative effects of stereotyping and excessive judging, such as: skewed self-perception for the person being judged, a misbegotten sense of superiority by the person doing the stereotyping, and it just morally wrong to assign an attribute to the many due to the actions of a few.
It is possible to judge someone on a few, a couple or even just a single characteristic, but it is not wise, and it does make a massive difference once you get to know someone personally, as stereotypes and prejudices are usually only used in the initial meeting phase. They help to neatly classify this human that you have just met. The above activities will support my helping work by enabling me to be honest about stereotypes and prejudices I may hold, and learning how to overcome them, look past them, and treat everyone with equal regard. This also ties in with how to explore, understand and move past our judgements – if you catch yourself making an assumption about someone or something, make a mental note of it, and follow up on it later by thinking about why you hold a particular belief, if it is grounded in reality, and if it actually a fair representation of the person or thing you are judging.
An interesting question was raised in class as to why people judge others and/or make generalised statements about groups or individuals in the first place. After thinking about it for a little while, I believe that it is a protective mechanism, a throwback from more primitive times, as well as a categorisation system which people use to make sense of the world. A group of prehistoric men coming across another group of prehistoric men with different coloured skin would immediately set everyone’s internal alarm bells ringing. In the modern world, it helps people quickly and easily get a handle on situations, such as walking into a classroom for the first time, or arriving at a party. In a one-on-one situation like counselling however, it is always preferable to leave your judgements on the hat-stand outside for an hour, and indulge in some Unconditional Positive Regard.
We were also asked to reflect on judgements and assumptions we have made in the past, and I can see how closed minded I have been in some cases. The latest example was a good few years ago when a new line manager started at work. She was the daughter of the regional manager, and as such, I initially thought that she would not be terribly great at her job, and that she perhaps only got as high as she had because of her father. I also assumed she would be quite strict and unforgiving because her father was the regional manager. Because of this, I was quite stand-offish towards her for about a year, until I get to know her better. She was nowhere near as strict as I assumed she would be, and after two great stocktake results, it was clear that she had rose to a managerial position on her own merit. She left our a few years later to go and be a deputy manager at another store, just as I was starting to warm to her. I now realise that if I had been more open-minded and accepting of her as she was, we would have got on a lot sooner.
Judgements and assumptions also make it somewhat difficult for me to talk to attractive women. Their beauty dazzles me, and can stun my mind, confusing my thought processes. I suppose I don’t want to appear too friendly in case they think I am coming on to them – being attractive, they must get a lot of this. But maybe they don’t. I have no idea if they do or not, it is just an assumption I have that they do! I have recently realised that they are normal human beings, just like me and everyone else, but it is still tough. What changed my perception was that my CBT therapist was objectively pretty, and she was tall, slim and blonde, not to mention intelligent and observant; my “type”, if you will. In the first thirty seconds of our first session I was stunned and confused – my typical fear response to being in the company of an attractive woman. But as she spoke and went through the introductory spiel of CBT therapy, I realised that she was not there to “be pretty” for me, or to be some kind of object that exists purely to dazzle me, she was a real person that wanted to help me and others like me. She didn’t allow herself to be put on that pedestal and be admired; she got straight down to it and talked to me like I was a person, rather than someone to fawn over her.
As a way of connecting those two stories – my manager was also attractive and blonde, but I never felt daunted in speaking to her. I think the negative assumptions I made of her not deserving her job overruled those factors.
I think the key factor in not letting your own prejudices and stereotypes cloud your views is to notice when you make assumptions about people, and challenge them. Take a quick note about it and explore your thoughts and feelings at a deeper level later on. Maybe talk to a fellow counsellor about it, or take it to supervision. I am purposefully exposing myself to as many different cultures and experiences as I can to reduce such assumptions by doing things such as meeting new people and talking to them, reading books about things like oppression and slavery (autobiographical ones are the best, as they are told by the person who experienced the things in the book first-hand, so you really get a feel for what they were going through and can really generate some empathy towards them), watching television programs and documentaries about other cultures and generally opening my mind to genders, races, and cultures that are not my own.
