I try and keep it positive on here, which is why it’s been quiet recently. A lot of negativity in my life right now. Stuck in a slump and I just don’t know which way to go.
Work is awful right now, people have been leaving for years and have not been replaced, and it’s got to the point now where there is just too much to do for the amount of people we have on the department. I dread going in, but I don’t know what else to do. I want to start my own coaching business, but I feel like such a fraud. How can I help others if I am in such a bad place myself? I look through job adverts and don’t even feel qualified for the most basic, entry level jobs. I’d quite like to try my hand at something like a loneliness companion, but I need a driving license, and I can’t afford lessons right now. There’s always something that needs buying, like new shoes or a a birthday present, or money needs to be put aside for a holiday or car insurance or something like that. I feel stuck in the job because the hours are “perfect” in that they are perfect for the school run. The two afternoons I’m working, Jane does it. I’m stuck doing these hours, stuck in this job, I don’t think I could find a new job that would fit in around Jane’s work and the school run, unless the hours were purely arranged by me and my availability alone.
I’ve been in a lot of physical pain recently. It’s most notable after work. My back aches after a day of lifting boxes and twisting around putting stuff on shelves, so much so that I can’t stand up straight sometimes. My back also starts hurting if I sleep or lay down for more than roughly six hours. My shoulder aches. I’m always too tired from work to do a rehab workout on it. My knees ache when I get up or sit down. My foot aches; I think this stems from when I broke my toe a few months ago, I was walking funny to stop that from hurting, and that’s developed into an ache of it’s own. I think my left foot is actually swollen a little bit – I noticed that my left shoe is harder to get on than my right one a couple of years ago but never thought much of it. I can’t stop opening up cuts my fingers; I’ve got little patches of dry skin all over my hands that just won’t go away no matter how much cream I put on them. I’m always using my hands for something, and always end up aggravating the cuts before they can fully heal, opening up new ones when the dry and scaly skin cracks, or catching them on things and causing new openings. I constantly feel tired, get out of breath very easily, and have a near constant headache that only vaguely clears up before coming back.
And mentally, I just feel stuck. It’s annoying because I can see I’m stuck, I know I’m stuck, but I can’t get free. The knowledge itself that I am stuck isn’t enough. Similarly, I’m being self-destructive, but I can’t stop myself. It feels good in the short term, but in the long term it’s causing more problems. I think it’s to do with my potential ADHD diagnosis. I don’t feel like I can move forward until that’s done, but I’m planning on doing it privately and it costs £1,000. That’s £1,000 more than I have right now. In fact, after two summer holidays and a fully maxed out credit card, it’s almost £2,000 more than I have right now.
I need an escape plan, I need to start making money independent of my main job, I need to start being a coach. I read an article here saying that “You don’t have to be a graduated, certified coach to officially hang up your shingle and start your coaching business. In fact we advise our coaching students to start coaching and earning revenue as soon as they can”.
I should just bite the bullet and start living the life I want to live, rather than hope it eventually just works out the way I want it to.
