Cross-post from ObeliskTherapy.net
Three years ago, on Monday, the 4th of March 2019 Keith Flint was found unresponsive in his home after hanging himself.
You’d think, watching one of The Prodigy’s music videos that he was an aggressive and angry man. But he wasn’t. Adorned with black ink, chunks of metal and an aggressive fashion sense, he did look intimidating. But that was the idea. Onstage he may have been a firework repeatedly going off again and again, but offstage he was softly spoken, thoughtful and inquisitive. An introverted extrovert, he was an enigma, a real contradiction: His persona written neatly, clearly and concisely on the pages of an exotic-looking, leather-bound and spike-laden book, but in a language that you cannot read.
I grew up following his exploits in The Prodigy, from the early, rave-inspired Experience days, through the Firestarter era, all the way through to their latest album, No Tourists. This last one took a while to grow on me, but more tracks have become favourites than of any other album of theirs. I was always inspired by Keith’s honesty to be who he really was in the way he congruently presented himself. His style may have been unorthodox, but it undeniably represented who he was. I envied his confidence, his self-assuredness. My favourite piece of trivia about Keith just about sums up his sense of humour: In 2014, he bought and renovated the Leather Bottle pub in Essex, acting as landlord. He kept a jar in which customers were required to put a pound if they made a “Firestarter” joke as he lit the pub’s fire.
I vividly remember that day three years ago when I woke up to the news. I was stunned. How could this man who had a successful career with The Prodigy and had just released a new album kill himself? Festival season was about to roll around, and they had a new material to play live. As far as I was aware Keith lived for the bands live performances. As the day went on I did more research and some motivations for his actions became clearer. Six months before that day, he had split up with his wife, and he succumbed to depression as the divorce was finalised. Then, mere days after having to put his house up for sale, reports are that he begged his estranged wife to return home. She did not.
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In the evening, his death was reported on the news, it triggered a discussion around the dinner table. My mother-in-law was curious of the possible reasons he had committed suicide, I told her about his recent divorce and him selling his house. As a fine example of the general lack of empathy when it comes to men’s inner lives, she said “well that’s not enough of a reason is it”. Well, to be honest, his whole life was dedicated to the lifestyle he had built up around him. He was losing his house and its grounds; the grounds he tended, roamed and romped on with his dogs. The stables. The house that he had made a home with his wife; his wife that he was also losing. She was his best friend, his life partner. He was losing all this, his entire life was built around his marriage and his home. This was the thing he valued most. The life they had built together.
To him, this was everything.
Regardless of his enthusiasm in racing bikes, both professionally, as a team manager and privately at his home on a custom-made dirt-track. Regardless of his pub ownership or the camaraderie felt in his park runs, or at the boxing or jiu-jitsu clubs. Regardless of the love of his dogs and horses. Regardless of the pond he built in his back garden to attract birds and enrich his twitching hobby. Regardless of all this, without even mentioning his role of being in an internationally renowned band, performing with The Prodigy, he must’ve felt he had nothing. At 49 years old, he may have felt it was too late to start again. With no kids, what was the point? His wife left, he was alone.
He’d been zeroed out.
To be quite honest, I don’t know if any of this is true. As an outsider looking in, I can’t know. Did Keith leave a note before he died? Regardless, this to me illustrates the danger of putting a woman on a pedestal and idolising her above everything else. If she decides to leave, your entire world literally crumbles around you, you lose everything. Your mission should be your priority. When you are at rock bottom, the pain is soul crushing and immense. I am speaking from personal experience here. When there’s seemingly no alternative. When you think the world would be a better place without you in it. When you lose everything that you assigned value to, when you are at zero, you have two choices.
Choice one: You quit. You opt out of the game. Leave everyone else to play without you.
Choice two: You rebuild yourself. You use this as a learning experience, and an opportunity for growth.
It is often said that suicidal people should ask for help, open up, talk to someone. Most times that’s the last thing a suicidal person wants to do. They think everyone will be better off without them. They think the world would be better off without them on it. They are wrong, though. Even if, in that moment, you felt that person hated you, the morning after, when they find your lifeless body, they will realise they loved you so very much.
If it’s you, if you’re at zero right now, please don’t kill yourself.
Take this as a sign from the universe that it wants you to stick around. It has big plans for you. It’s ok to ask for help. Contact the Samaritans (call 028 9066 4422) or SHOUT (text ‘SHOUT’ to 85258) if you are on the edge.
Keith was loved, and he is missed. You are loved, you would be missed.
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And as I said, there is another option. You rebuild yourself. The suicidal feelings, they don’t last, honestly. The pain may feel huge and unmanageable in your chest, but it passes in time. Take a step back and evaluate things. Work out where your focus should have been, rather than 100% directed at the thing that broke you. Once you realise you have more reason to live than to not, you won’t want to kill yourself anymore. Once you work out there are people that love you and miss you, you won’t want to kill yourself anymore. I’m not telling you that you’re being selfish if you go through with it, I’m not telling you to put others feelings above your own, quite the opposite. I’m telling you to not go through with it for yourself. You owe it to yourself to get through this.
Recognise that you are at rock bottom right now, but it’s all about perspective.
The thing about being at rock bottom is, that if you look up, you can see exactly how far it is back to the top.
When you’re ready to rebuild, contact me (iain@obelisktherapy.net). I’ll help you.
