Today our group had a Personal Development weekend.
Our first task once we had arrived and settled in was to learn about the Johari Window, and then to create a mask based on our Open Self. There were tables full of decorating materials for us to use. When I first went to enrol on the course our tutor mentioned that we would have two activity weekends, one on the topic of loss, and the other to make masks. The thought of how I would make my mask often popped into my head from time to time, but I could never decide on how exactly I would design it – even though I didn’t know what the actual purpose of making a mask would be.
When it came to looking around at the various materials available and actually sitting down and getting on with it, the design appeared in my head, fully formed. I felt I should put down some sunny base colours which would represent my sunny and warm disposition, so I started with a base coat of yellow at the chin going through orange to red at the top of the head. I like to present a friendly outward persona, I like to smile at people and get smiles back, and I feel it makes their day a little better when they smile. Then I put a long beard on it made from some kind of giraffe patterned fabric. I have a beard in real life which I consciously choose to grow as it represents my masculine side – on my mask it is over-exaggerated. I also choose to have a beard as I feel safer when I have one, it is kind of a shield, and it protects me. However it also makes me stand out, which is some kind of contradiction.
I covered the mouth because sometimes I feel talking is hard. Opening my mouth and letting my thoughts come out is hard for me. I don’t like talking about myself; I much prefer to listen to other people talk about themselves. I don’t find asking questions difficult, it is self-disclosure that I am uncomfortable with, and sharing my ideas and opinions. I open my mouth and words just seem to tumble out in a random order. I used to think that these problems were unique to me, or to such a degree at any rate. Since I have learned to subtly pay attention to body language and the things people don’t say when they speak, and actually listen to what they are saying rather than waiting for my turn to speak I have realised that the majority of people have problems speaking up or expressing themselves, or suffer from some kind of anxiety. I was just being precious.
The black pattern around the edges is similar to the black pattern around the edges of the self puzzle I made earlier in the course. It is self-doubt creeping in. Or my complex ideas trying to get out while my mouth is sealed shut. It is a camouflage of a sort, a manifestation of my desire to fit in. Hidden underneath the beard is a little smiley face which represents my personality once you have got to know me and I “let you in”. You can’t see it on either of the pictures, but it is a little red circle face with its tongue sticking out.
After we had all made our masks, we had to talk about them to the group. This then brought in the next part of the Johari Window, the Other Self or the Blind Self. These are things that other people know about us that we don’t know. Once I had explained the reasons and meanings behind my mask, the group then told me some things they agreed with or did not agree with. They said that they felt I was “together”, focused and clearly very ambitious. I think it is great that I portray those attributes, because that is not how I feel on the inside at all. Later on in the Hidden Self discussion I reveal why. I don’t consciously try to portray ambition, but now that they mentioned it I guess I can see how my attitude to the course could be seen as being focused and ambitious. It was a very enlightening experience.
We then wrote some things that our course-mates did not know about us and put them into the small boxes that we brought with us. This represented our Hidden Self, and we all chose one or two to disclose to the group. I chose to reveal that I meditate and practise mindfulness, but I couldn’t talk too much about it because I have planned to do my presentation on it in the near future. The other fact I mentioned was that I am deeply unsure of myself and I feel like I am just “winging it”. I feel like this applies to my marriage, raising my son, my potential career; Life in general really. The rest of the group disagreed with me, echoing their earlier statements that they thought I was very focused on this course, but also agreed with me in that they also have no idea what they are doing. Those statements made me feel a bit better about myself and the lack of confidence I have in my ability to be a human.
No-one really knows how to be a human, there’s no definitive manual on how to do it, we all just get on as best as we can. It was comforting to realise that other people feel the same.
