This week we learned about the following core conditions that reflect the attitude of the counsellor towards the client: Empathy, Congruence and Immediacy, and Unconditional Positive Regard (or UPR).
Empathy is the highly evolved capacity of human beings to know what other human beings are feeling, and to feel an echo of it in themselves. It is an ability that can be honed and sharpened simply by being more aware of other people whilst living your life, and walking alongside them for a while, seeing what they see, feeling what they feel, and coming to see how they see themselves. It is also important for understanding the client’s frame of reference, or the view of the world from the client’s perspective, which can help a counsellor fully appreciate what the client’s problems are really about, and how they really feel.
Empathy is different to sympathy, in that sympathy is understanding that the other person is feeling sad or hurt and offering comfort, whereas empathy is understanding that the other person is feeling sad or hurt and feeling sad and hurt alongside them. I can vividly remember a time when my mother received news that one of her old school friends had died, she was very distressed; visibly shaken, uncontrollable sobbing, and even though I had never known her friend, I felt profoundly sad and I had tears in my eyes. People’s moods do tend to “rub off” on me.
Empathy is important when it comes to paraphrasing, as paraphrases do not have to necessarily be in the clients own words – so picking up on unspoken emotions or subtle underlying themes and feelings in a conversation helps the counsellor understand where the client is coming from. This is also a form of Immediacy, which we learned about later in the session. Reflecting and summarising also contribute to communicating the counsellor’s empathic response to the client – I find it fascinating how all the different aspects of counselling, listening skills and core conditions intermingle and mix with one another.
A poor empathic response, such as if the client has clenched fists and has tears flooding down his face whilst struggling to get words through his gritted teeth about his friend who stole some money off of him, and the counsellor reflects “I get the impression you are sad?” could draw the focus away from the client and hurt their relationship. Body language is an important indicator of how someone is feeling, sometimes more so than what a person is saying, and although the tears streaming down the clients face would indicate sadness, the closed fists and clenched teeth both suggest anger, the client feeling hot tension in his hands as if he is reliving the desire to hit something, with his jaw shut tight to protect his tongue, proper “fight mode”. It would be remiss for the counsellor not to mention the client’s anger which is as clear as day, and reassure the client that this is a safe environment to explore it further.
Congruence and Immediacy are linked in that Immediacy is an honest and congruent action taken by a counsellor, usually a comment about the here-and-now when the counsellor feels that something has changed in the client/counsellor relationship, or something important has happened within the client and they now seem different. At its most basic form, immediacy is a comment by the counsellor on something they notice in the client, for example, they look sad or distracted. Empathy helps with this, as does being open, honest and genuine in the moment.
At a higher level, immediacy could be a disclosure on the part of the counsellor of personal experiences, or an honest admission of how the client’s story is making them feel. This kind of immediacy could, handled badly, diminish a client’s problems and make them feel as if the counsellor is simply stating “well I’ve been through this and I’m fine, so pull yourself together”, when in actual fact the counsellor meant to convey a feeling of empathic understanding, in that they’ve been through something similar and do know how the client may be feeling. Handled well, the client could be more likely to further open up as she feels a sense of camaraderie with the counsellor, a shared knowledge of a similar experience. Disclosure of personal information or feelings is risky in that a counsellor cannot take the place of the client in counselling, and handled badly it could take the focus away from the clients, and once that balance is skewed it could destroy their professional relationship and all manner of ethical concerns are raised. Personal information or knowledge of how the counsellor feels cannot be taken back once it has been imparted, either, so care must be taken to ensure it is in both the clients and counsellors best interests to use immediacy in this form.
Immediacy can also be used if a counsellor feels that a client may not be being entirely honest, or doesn’t want to particularly be in counselling. An honest observation by the counsellor of the client being less than co-operative may open up a conversation on exactly why the client feels she has to lie or hold back, or why the client does not want to be in counselling. Using immediacy in this form of noticing a change in the moment of a client/counsellor relationship is also risky in that the client may not like what the counsellor has noticed, and may be unwilling to talk about it further.
Immediacy could even be if you, as a trainee counsellor, feel out of your depth in terms of subject matter or are talking about something that triggers negative responses inside you. In this case, honesty is the best policy, as it always is, and simply saying “I am a trainee counsellor and I feel that I am not experienced enough to help you, I will refer you to my supervisor”, shows a great degree of congruence and professionalism.
Immediacy requires confidence in yourself as a person and as a counsellor, and a high degree of Congruence. It is defined as the quality of genuineness in a counsellor, a matching of their inner reality with their outer presentation. If a client feels you are, as a counsellor, honest and authentic in your actions and not holding up a false self, a trusting and open relationship is more likely to develop. Immediacy and Congruence are two aspects of counselling that combine to prove to the client that you are not perfect, but you are honest in your imperfections. The client is the expert in the subject you are discussing – themselves – and your role as a counsellor is to provide them with the tools to further examine that subject, and a safe environment to do so.
Unconditional Positive Regard (or UPR for short), is a non-judgemental point of view and an accepting attitude toward the client. As a counsellor you may not agree with some of a client’s actions, but you do approve of the as a fellow human being. It allows for a client to explore their thoughts, feelings and behaviours in an atmosphere that is not based on trying to find fault or criticise or blame or accuse.
A client has come to counselling for a reason. Regardless of whether you like them or not, if you build a relationship with a client based on trust and honesty you may create a rapport, start talking freely and exploring things deeply, then discover that they were nothing like your pre-formed ideas. The best advice I think was to leave your prejudices and judgements at the door before you enter the counselling room, hang them up just like you would a raincoat and leave them there for an hour. If you do judge clients or have issues with them, the best thing to do is to take it to supervision and discuss it there. Explore how you felt about that person, and why.
