I’m not the same person I was seven years ago

I went back and re-read this post the other day – it was most enlightening. I was so sad back then, I look back and it’s genuinely hard for me to recognise my own writing. I mean, I know it’s just words on a screen, it’s not hand-written, but it’s hard for me to see that it was me.

The big difference is that I am, for some reason, happier now. I don’t know exactly why I’m happy now. Sure, the trivial little things I couldn’t change about myself that I mentioned in the previous post have gone back to not bothering me (some are even changing – the unchangeable changing – miraculous), but things in general are still rough; worse even. Money’s even tighter than it was then, I’m still being turned down for jobs left, right and centre, and Jane and I don’t seem to be spending as much time together as we used to… Going by that, I should be sadder.

I think moving here was the best thing to do. I’ve said before that moving away from being haunted every day by the familiar surroundings of Southampton was a good thing – re-reading old posts only reinforce that. But then, on the flip side, there are the bad aspects of moving here. Jane and I seem to be spending less time together than ever, mostly due to her sister leaving child-care duties of an evening or weekend up to Jane and her Mum. Jane has to actually sneak upstairs if she wants (or needs) to do something other than sit with Ethan.

Jane’s tired a lot too. She was, at times, tired when we lived in Southampton, but never to this degree. I knew this would happen though – she has to get up earlier for the longer journey to work, then it takes longer in the evening to get home too – and on top of spending time with Ethan, it’s draining her. It’ll get less as Ethan gets older and requires less attention, other than that I can’t see any way around it. She’ll always be tired to some degree, which is a shame. When I do eventually get a job, I’ll be tired too, then where will we be? In bed but both wanting to sleep. But then she’ll be even more tired when my heart’s desire happens. We both will, for sure. But it’ll be so worth it. Read on.

I think the reason I’m happier is that I have a resolve. One day I would like to become a father. Jasmine being born really set this one off in me – the day Jane announces she’s pregnant will be the best of my life, I’d give up smoking just like that and everything will fall into place and the sun will shine bright and the wind will cool my face and the birds will be singing. I’d like to think I’ll be a good Dad – I definitely don’t want to be the same kind of father my father was – all I have to do to be better than him is “be there”. But then, with Lewis and Matt, I’ve seen how having your Dad around but not give a hoot about you can be more devastating. I can be more than that. I have a resolve.

This blog helps as well. Writing this stuff down, it keeps my mind clear of the worries and the thoughts, stops them going round and round in my head, making me crazy. It’s not as if I’m just writing it down and keeping my thoughts to myself, and while I’m not exactly writing the words in foot tall letters on the front wall of the house, I am putting them out there, for anyone who is interested to read. Kinda public, but I doubt anyone who doesn’t know me would find any relevance in my words.