Failed today. I was smoke-free for around 16 hours. Rubbish.
I finished re-reading the Easyway book last night and figured there’s no time like the present, so stopped smoking at about 9pm, had a nice long chat to Jane about random things, slept, got up, played a bit of Marvel vs Capcom 3, and whilst I was waiting for lunch at about half 12, just thought I should go and buy some cigarettes. This time I was not in the same positive mental state as I was last time, and was actually thinking about smoking more than I was on Attempt #1.
Easyway says I should naturally dislike the smell of tobacco smoke, and that I will have worked hard to become addicted in the first place. I think I’ve been addicted to nicotine my entire life. My Nan and Grandad used to smoke loads when I was young, so I’ve never been averse to the smell, I’ve always been used to breathing it in. When I had my first cigarette at a youth club back when I was fifteen I couldn’t wait to try my next one the following week. At that point I never had money, so didn’t buy my own, I just used to have some of the communal cigarettes that were bought on Wednesday nights. When I did start getting pocket money, it all went on fags. I’m upset with myself that I continue to poison myself and am slowly destroying my body. Something just tells me to buy them and smoke them, even though when I do pop outside to have one I’m usually grimacing because I hate what I’m doing to myself (and Jane, by slowly killing myself) so much, and am cold or wet because of the weather.
I’ve ordered the follow-up book, The Only Way To Stop Smoking Permanently, so will read that and try… No! Not try! I will succeed! I will read that and succeed.
