It is #WorldSuicidePreventionDay today, and it brought my feelings from this post into scrutiny: https://iaindstewart.net/blog/2005/08/25/gcse-results/
I say in the post that I wish I had paid attention during years ten and eleven, done some revision and actually applied myself. But at the time of the exams themselves, I was in a bad place.
Let’s go back a bit first though. At the start of year ten I was told that whatever I got in my results was meaningless, as I should go on and do a GNVQ in Art, and that under no circumstances would I be allowed to study GCSE Philosophy and GCSE Psychology. Because of that I was in a serious “rebellion” phase, with no male role model to temper me. It wasn’t just down to that to be fair, I was a typical teenager and was just trying to push against the boundaries, test my limits. I’d just discovered marijuana and alcohol, and it felt good.
But then stack that with the fact my first “serious” girlfriend had just dumped me and broken my heart, well, you can see why I was less than compelled to try. I’ll never forget that feeling. Like there was a void inside me, where my heart should have been. I just felt empty. For weeks and weeks on end. You never forget your first heartbreak, I guess.
The thing is – and this is a weird paradox – if I had done those GCSE’s, if I had paid attention, if I had passed on the drugs and alcohol, if I had revised and tried hard, then I wouldn’t have met Jane, and we wouldn’t have had Jake. No matter how much it hurt back then, seeing his face in the morning when he’s just woken up is the greatest feeling ever. Hard times make the good times better. They shape us, make us stronger, and send us off into the future with resolve. All that pain in the past, all that emotional excess…
If you’re going through hell… Keep going.
Things get better.
I never got so far as wanting to commit suicide on this occasion, but I do distinctly remember just wanting the pain to stop. Looking back now, I can see that if I had ended my life, I would be accepting that it could get no worse, and at that moment, I would be accepting defeat. But I would also have been cutting off any chance of my life getting better. And boy, did it get better. Life may seem dark at times, but you just don’t know what’s in store for you ten, fifteen, twenty years down the line.
Allow yourself the chance to find out.
